Hold Fast

She pulls her coat tight against the wind and the rain
Eyes fixed fast on the puddles and the path
Her footsteps the rhythm of the thoughts in her head
What just happened, they said

An uprising in the neighbourhood
Things ain’t like they used to be
It ain’t alright round here no more
There’s some folk should be shown the door

It’s gonna be a rough ride
Some boats will not survive the rising of the tide
But they shall not pass
So, hold fast
Hold fast

She pulls her coat tight, the coming of the storm
Seems inevitable now, since nothing’s changed
The splashing of her footsteps, her raindrop tears
What just happened, why here

An uprising in the neighbourhood
Things ain’t like they used to be
An imaginary village green
A billionaire on a TV screen

It’s gonna be a rough ride
Some boats will not survive the rising of the tide
But they shall not pass
So, hold fast
Hold fast

She pulls her coat tight, like some kinda shield
Could protect her from the coming of the night
Hands searching for her phone
You’ve gotta get wet if you’re gonna get home

An uprising in the neighbourhood
Dirty looks from the poppy parade
There’s never any spoken in the park
It’s no place to be after dark

It’s gonna be a rough ride
Some boats will not survive the rising of the tide
But they shall not pass
So, hold fast
Hold fast

She pulls her coat tight, looks up through the rain
A shaft of sunlight, a ray of hope
More footsteps, increasing in number
Just as she thought she was about to go under

An uprising in the neighbourhood
A voice at her side says, hold fast
A rainbow, standing, solidly cast
United, they shall not pass

It’s gonna be a rough ride
Some boats will not survive the rising of the tide
But they shall not pass
So, hold fast
Hold fast

Mickey Mouse vs. Elon Musk

(How corporate greed beats ethics every time)

The great replacement got blue ticked
Mickey screwed his courage to the sticking place
Switched off; that’s antisemitic
Elon doubled down with a say it to my face

Donald got elected, Elon’s main squeeze
Now on the populist power track
Easy as baiting with a piece of cheese
Mickey came scurrying back

Billionaires

Let’s hear it for the billionaires
Let’s hear it for the B-I-L, L-I-O-N
Let’s hear it for the billionaires
Let’s hear it for the planet’s wealthiest men
Let’s hear it for the billionaires
Without whom we’d all be better off
Let’s hear it for the billionaires
Let’s tell them to all fuck off

Elon went to school with an emerald in his pocket
Elon told the world he built his own space rocket
Now Donald is the president, Elon is the heir
‘Cos Elon is a billionaire

Let’s hear it…

Donald got elected and that made us sad
The most celebrated rapist the US ever had
But they’re dropping all the charges and saying fair’s fair
‘Cos Donald is a billionaire

Let’s hear it…

Nigel sucks up to the President’s men
‘Cos Nigel wishes he was one of them
A Mickey Mouse Mosley with Enoch flair
Who wants to be a billionaire

Let’s hear it…

2024 in Thumbnails

This year saw a song about the floods (there’s going to be more of those, I’m sure), Greene King brewery exposed, Noah as a metaphor for Daily Mail-reading middle-England’s attitude to refugees, the unluckiest street in the UK, a love song based in a factory making weapons being used to destroy Gaza, two new additions to the Put Up Shut Up Britain collection, a song about loss, your actual five-a-day, another in the collection of St. George’s Day songs, another one about your diet, a Protest Family single, kicking out your kitchen fitters, a weather forecast for the east coast, yet another song inspired by Nick Ferrari on LBC, the follow-up to Pricks In Space, Hans Christian Anderson for the modern era, the first protest song to feature Rachel Reeves as Chancellor of the Exchequer, an attempt to expose election fraud by committing election fraud, mousetraps used to try to explain how global asset managers and index funds work, and a song that started life over a failed vegan breakfast in a Wetherspoons in Stourbridge on Remembrance Sunday.

We plan to release a new album next year. Which ones do you reckon will make the cut?

The Man Who Built The Burning House

The man who built the burning house
rubs his hands, his fingers laced
The order for a million more
is ready to be placed

He flexes fists and wrists
like he’s choking the supply
He knows the tricks that keep demand
and profit-making high

New homes for all, the promises
of ministers and kings
The man who built the burning house
is waiting in the wings

Henry and the Tractors

Henry parked his tractor in Whitehall
Turned to the camera to explain
My lifestyle is under threat, he said
It’s causing my accountant great pain

The only way to farm this land, he said
Is if your father was a farmer too
And if your granddad owned it before him
Then farming’s what you’re born to do

Like being a millionaire, I thought
The bit that was going unsaid
Why’s the right to own and work the land
Restricted to the born and bred?

Henry and the tractors were holding up traffic
Like Just Stop Oil in tweed caps
Barbour coats and green wellies
A Reform UK uniform, perhaps

Like mustard-trousered Farage
Defending the interests of his class
Henry parked his tractor in Whitehall
What a fucking arse

A Better Mousetrap, Part 3

Build a better mousetrap, people said
And the world will beat a path to your door
So, we built a better mousetrap, like they said
And the fat cats beat a path to our door

People bought our mousetrap, happy to choose
Between a cheaper, worser mousetrap
And a dearer, better mousetrap
That everyone was giving rave reviews

The fat cats were happy, ‘cause they had shares
In our mousetrap firm, but also in theirs
It turns out that moneymen never have to choose
If you have shares in everything, you never lose

But one day they said, those worse mousetraps
You’re gonna have to sell them for more
And the firm that makes the better mousetraps
Will have to make them cheaper than before

Mousetraps soon were all the same price
And none of them were very good at catching mice
But in the boardroom, there was little concern
The fat cats were getting a better return

Now people often could be heard to say
Mousetraps were so much better in my day
Now a mousetrap doesn’t even do what it says
And everything’s just so expensive nowadays

We told the fat cats that people were sad
With worse and better mousetraps both
The fat cats said, well they really should be glad
Because we’ve given them economic growth

Economic growth, they said’s of high import
That’s why it’s always daily in the news
That bit that you ignore just before the sport
It’s the measure that all governments use

Economic growth, that’s all well and good
Economic growth, well that’s nice
But if economic growth is so important
How come it only benefits the mice?

Build a Better Mousetrap

Build a better mousetrap
Build it really nice
Build a better mousetrap
That don’t catch mice
‘Cause catching all the mice
Ain’t a thing we wanna do
We just wanna sell
Mousetraps to you

What you’ve gotta understand is
It ain’t about the mice
What you’ve gotta understand
Take my advice
You wanna sell a thing
That people need to buy again
So here is the trick
My friend

What you’ve gotta understand is
It’s all about the profit
The asset fund manager’s
Fee in their pocket
So if next door builds
A better mousetrap than you
He’s gonna invest
In their mousetrap too

What you’ve gotta understand
Is it doesn’t really matter
If you own a bit of everything
Your wallet gets fatter
And investors don’t care
If you really catch mice
So long as the punters
Are buying your device

BlackRock and the Better Mousetrap

Build a better mousetrap, they said, and the world will beat a path to your door.

So, we built a better mousetrap, and investors beat a path to our door. People started buying a better mousetrap and they were happy that they had a choice between a cheaper worse mousetrap and a dearer better mousetrap. And the investors were happy because they also had shares in the worse mousetrap company, so they made money whether people bought a worse mousetrap or a better mousetrap.

But investors like their money to make more money, so they said to the worse mousetrap company, let’s make the worse mousetrap more expensive, and they said to us, let’s make the better mousetrap more cheaply. And that’s what they did, and that what we did, because everybody needs to keep their investors happy.

People still had a choice because choice was important, but now it was between a not so cheap worse mousetrap and a not so good better mousetrap, and they weren’t happy. They said, everything is so expensive these days and, mousetraps were so much better in my day and, the people who make the mousetraps just don’t care, there’s just no craftsmanship anymore, and some even blamed the mice.

But the investors were happy, they’d increased their return. They knew that they couldn’t lose so long as they had shares in the better mousetrap company and the worse mousetrap company.

We told the investors that people weren’t happy, that mousetraps were very expensive now and that they didn’t even catch mice.

The investors said, the people didn’t understand, they should be happy, they have economic growth.

And the government agreed.

The Poppy and the Cross

With fewer his majesties
There’d be fewer dead
Yet he leads the remembrance
The old soldier said
The symbols that you see
Are there to show you who’s the boss
They know that you’ll comply
With the poppy and the cross

The poppy and the cross
King and country and the rest
It’s amazing what you’ll suffer
To be told that you’re the best
His Majesty don’t care
For your sorrow and your loss
So long as you’ll die for
The poppy and the cross

That fella with the wreath, he said
Signs the papers off
To manufacture weapons
For the poppy and the cross
To ship them overseas
For genocide in foreign lands
His jacket wears a poppy
But bloody are his hands

Bloody are his hands
King and country and the rest
It’s amazing what you’ll suffer
To be told that you’re the best
His Majesty don’t care
For your sorrow and your loss
So long as you’ll die for
The poppy and the cross

He holds a shepherd’s crook
And he wears a bishop’s hat
The old soldier said to me
What do you make of that
Here to give the slaughter
Some of his pious gloss
Here to lead the prayers
For the poppy and the cross

The poppy and the cross
God and country and the rest
It’s amazing what you’ll suffer
To be told that you’re the best
His Majesty don’t care
For your sorrow and your loss
So long as you’ll die for
The poppy and the cross

Don’t confuse sacrifice
With being sacrificed
The old soldier spoke
Of the wicked loss of life
King and country, God and crown
Will never count the cost
It’s you and I that die
For the poppy and the cross

The poppy and the cross
King and country and the rest
It’s amazing what you’ll suffer
To be told that you’re the best
His Majesty don’t care
For your sorrow and your loss
So long as you’ll die for
The poppy and the cross