Tag Archives: pandemic

The Lockdown

lockdown

The lockdown, when it came, was piecemeal at best. Schools and colleges, pubs, restaurants, gyms and theatres, basically anywhere where large groups of people could gather, were forced to close. Hairdressers, nail bars and retailers of non-essential goods, however, remained open.

We were all supposed to stay at home except key workers, but pretty soon we were all key workers, as people laid off by the pubs and clubs found jobs with supermarkets or as delivery drivers and retired nurses and firefighters returned to work. The schools, ostensibly shut, had to stay open for the children of key workers, making teachers key workers too. The long list of key worker occupations published by the government was, as ever, open to interpretation.

The transit system continued to run to ensure that this new key worker class could get to work. The reduced timetable meant that services were as packed as they were before the virus, and social distancing was impossible. It seemed that self-isolation was only an option for the privileged few.

Disgruntled gym members took to the countryside for their exercise, flooding car parks with people carriers and SUVs and the forests with fresh from the packet Berghaus and Karrimor. It wasn’t long before the great outdoors became a no-go area.

Musicians and poets, on the other hand, took to broadcasting live on the internet, the new format gaining immediate popularity, particularly with those in self-isolation.

Tim Martin and Richard Branson stayed capitalists true to form. The latter, who once successfully sued the NHS, demanded £7.5billion of government money to keep his planes in the air; the former denied science to insist that his pub chain, built on ruthless undercutting and zero-hours contracts, remain open for as long as parliament did.

Meanwhile, the government quietly dropped many of their capitalist principles, forced into a series of state interventions of which a socialist would be proud, including the promise to underwrite 80% of the wages of workers in businesses forced to close by the pandemic. The devil was in the detail, however, as this money was earmarked for employers to pay wages with and it was entirely within their gift to decide that redundancies were a better economic option, which several, including Picturehouse cinemas and Britannia Hotels, did.

Soon, everyone at least knew someone who had known someone who had died from the virus. The numbers of infected and dead rose exponentially as we waited patiently for the daily government press conference. As we waited patiently for news.

Cull the Herd

We’ve decided not to cull the herd, he said
We’ve decided not to cull the herd
When we led without alacrity
Folk acted unilaterally
So, we’ve decided not to cull the herd

We’ve decided not to shut the pubs, he said
We’ve decided not to shut the pubs
We’ve offered some advice
That they might not find very nice
But we’ve decided not to shut the pubs

We’ve decided not to shut the clubs, he said
We’ve decided not to shut the clubs
We’ll tell you not to go
But for them there’s no compo
‘Cos we’ve decided not to shut the clubs

We’ve decided not to stop the trains, he said
We’ve decided not to stop the trains
We said avoid the rush
And your fellow traveller’s brush
But we’ve decided not to stop the trains

We’ve decided to close the schools, he said
We’ve decided to close the schools
Well, for half the kids he smirked
Whose mums haven’t got to work
We’ve half decided to close the schools

We’ve decided not to cull the herd, he said
We’ve decided not to cull the herd
When we looked at the quotas
They were mainly Tory voters
So, we’ve decided not to cull the herd

Quarantine the Queen

 

Quarantine the Queen from COVID-19
She ain’t no human being
Quarantine the Queen from COVID-19
Fire up the royal submarine

‘Cos the dukes and the duchesses
Are cancelling flesh presses
Despite what HM Government says…..

So, quarantine the Queen from COVID-19
Preserve the national unity
There’s an exit plan for c’lebs but not one for the plebs
They can build their own immunity

And the spirit of the Blitz is throwing punches in the bog roll aisle in Tesco
And the spirit of the Blitz is pushing old folk out the way of the pasta shelves in CostCo

So, quarantine the Queen From COVID-19
Preserve the national unity
There’s an exit plan for c’lebs, but not one for the plebs
They can build their own immunity

She’s watching the TV, but she can’t explain
The lockdown in Italy, empty streets in Spain
While Matt Hancock lives up to his name
Says behavioural science told him to abstain

So, quarantine the Queen from COVID-19
The fascist regime
Quarantine the Queen from COVID-19
Fire up the royal submarine

The prime minister from Have I Got News For You
Says there’s nothing for us to do
Some people, sadly, will go before their time
And the Nudge Unit is his partner in crime

So, quarantine the Queen from COVID-19
Preserve the national unity
There’s an exit plan for c’lebs, but not one for the plebs
They can build their own immunity

And the spirit of the Blitz is throwing punches, in the bog roll aisle in Tesco
And the spirit of the Blitz is pushing old folk out the way, of the pasta shelves in CostCo

So, quarantine the Queen from COVID-19
Preserve the national unity
Or off with their heads for more NHS beds
To look after the community

Quarantine the Queen from COVID-19
Preserve the national unity
Or off with their heads for more NHS beds
To look after the community…..