Rachel surveys the thinning crowd from behind the bar of The New Austerity Inn. “I thought it would be better than this,” she says to no one in particular.
The locals have taken to calling her “Rachel the Barmaid”. They don’t think that she’s qualified to run the pub on her own. She might have pinned her certificate to the wall, but she’s still done nothing about the dire offering on tap.
Meanwhile, outside the Wetherspoons, a man in mustard trousers hides a glass of Chablis behind “a pint of your finest ale”, lights a cigarette, and waits.
Henry parked his tractor in Whitehall Turned to the camera to explain My lifestyle is under threat, he said It’s causing my accountant great pain
The only way to farm this land, he said Is if your father was a farmer too And if your granddad owned it before him Then farming’s what you’re born to do
Like being a millionaire, I thought The bit that was going unsaid Why’s the right to own and work the land Restricted to the born and bred?
Henry and the tractors were holding up traffic Like Just Stop Oil in tweed caps Barbour coats and green wellies A Reform UK uniform, perhaps
Like mustard-trousered Farage Defending the interests of his class Henry parked his tractor in Whitehall What a fucking arse
It’s happy hour in The New Austerity Inn And there’s still fighting in town You can’t have it if you can’t afford it Rachel doubles down But two for the price of one When you ain’t got the price of one Ain’t helping anyone And it’s not like she can just print money
It was just the same with George behind the jump Gets a wry nod from the snug Now there was a fella with no idea Of how to run a pub
I spoke to a man who said he was a patriot But he didn’t like the country much He said he wasn’t a racist, but And we really didn’t get past the but Because he was retweeting Robinson And Nigel Fucking Farage A burning hotel in Rotherham And rioters at large
Sweeping up with a hangover I hear he got a sympathetic ear From Nick Ferrari on LBC GB News and Talk TV
Another bloke said well what do you expect When people ain’t got a thing There’s a burning police car outside And it’s happy hour In The New Austerity Inn
He was a broker, not a banker Now the bank thinks he’s a wanker (An easy rhyme, from time to time Is not a crime, if so inclined) But don’t shower them with applause When they also bank the Ingram-Moores Who used the Captain Tom Foundation To fund their own recreation And tried to build a swimming pool Not a hospital or school ‘Til subject to overwhelming Social media ridicule But to the case in hand Bank-less racist Brexit man Who’s crying, woe is me The wokerati, I’m cancelled see ‘Cause there’s reputational damage To be linked with folk like Farage*
Nigel ain’t politically exposed Nigel’s cash is just a little indisposed Nigel went and got his account closed Cause Nigel’s running out of money
Nigel ain’t a victim of persecution He’s just having issues with his contribution Nigel’s pile’s suffering from diminution Seems Nigel’s running out of money
Nigel ain’t a martyr he’s just a bit skint If you wanna bank at Coutts you’d better have a mint Nigel, it seems didn’t wanna take the hint That Nigel’s running out of money
Now wait for Nigel to pull a Yaxley-Lennon They’re picking on me, is what he’s gonna tell ‘em So please send cash and excuse the indiscretion Cause Nigel’s running out of money
Derek thinks that the lockdown’s over
Derek says get on with recovery
Derek’s got the phone-in on the blower
Derek won’t buy anything Chinese
Derek thinks Cummings should’ve got the sack
Derek voted to take control back
Derek has faith in the British public
Derek doesn’t know anyone that’s been sick
Derek doesn’t get it, though he sometimes might
Derek’s mostly wrong but occasionally right
He’s casually racist, not politically correct
Derek still had a vote last time I checked
Derek is a fan of strong leadership
Derek now thinks that Johnson will fail
If he supports an advisor who’s a liar, which
Is as welcome in Clacton as a beached whale
Derek doesn’t get it, though he sometimes might
Derek’s mostly wrong but occasionally right
He’s casually racist, not politically correct
Derek still had a vote last time I checked
He says if the virus don’t get him, something else will
As he rolls another fag and throws a burger on the grill
Derek says the risks are overrated
But he’ll follow the rules that’ve been promulgated
And he’s a regular caller to the Farage show
From the confines of his seaside bungalow
Nigel says it and Derek agrees
And Derek won’t buy anything Chinese
Derek doesn’t get it, though he sometimes might
Derek’s mostly wrong but occasionally right
He’s casually racist, not politically correct
Derek still had a vote last time I checked
Nigel Farage said just now on LBC
He’d send his kids to school, happily.
But it’s an easy boast to make
When one of them is 28,
One’s 20 and one’s 31.
What’s the betting that the other one
Is not affected by this rule
Because she attends a private school?
Steve White & The Protest Family 