Professor Lockdown (A Love Story of Sorts)

Professor Lockdown loved Antonia Staats
Isolation could break their hearts
At home her husband might have had the virus
But she said neither Thames nor disease will divide us

It was wrong and they knew it
There’s no way to misconstrue it
They thought they could get through it
But the press knew too
They didn’t run the story
‘Til they needed a furore
To steal headline glory
From the numbers breaking through

Professor Lockdown loved Antonia Staats
On one day in April and one in March
Is his expert opinion that the strategy’s wrong?
We’ll never know now that his job in SAGE has gone

It was wrong and they knew it
There’s no way to misconstrue it
They thought they could get through it
But the press knew too
They didn’t run the story
‘Til they needed a furore
To steal headline glory
From the numbers breaking through

Professor Lockdown loved Antonia Staats
Doomed lover victims of the press dark arts
A million crimes that the expert might commit
But there’s no way we’ll ever forgive a hypocrite

It was wrong and they knew it
There’s no way to misconstrue it
They thought they could get through it
But the press knew too
They didn’t run the story
‘Til they needed a furore
To steal headline glory
From the numbers breaking through

Professor Lockdown loved Antonia Staats
Epidemiology meets Avaaz
Now no one’s gonna want to be in her shoes
And his expert counsel’s now yesterday’s news

The Sickest Man in Europe

The sickest man in Europe
Won two world wars and one world cup
The sickest man in Europe
Didn’t want to mess the economy up
The sickest man in Europe’s
Looking forward to VE day
The sickest man in Europe’s
Hearing how many died today

The sickest man in Europe
Is following the science
Thinks it’s untainted
By political bias
The sickest man in Europe
Is following the science
Loves respect
and minute’s silence

The sickest man in Europe’s
Hearing how many died today
The sickest man in Europe’s
Looking forward to VE day

Are You Ready?

Are you ready?

Nigel says are you ready?
His will is firm
But his logic’s unsteady
But if your saddle’s sweaty
Or your business finance messy

Nigel reckons you’re ready

Richard says are you ready?
Him and Judy
Want to go steady
But she’s locked down already
He thinks it’s petty
He thinks she’s ready

To end the lockdown

There ain’t no vaccine
No antibody test
We ain’t even started track and trace yet
Matt hit his target
But only for a day
By the first of May
It had fallen away

Are you ready?

Are you ready?
To break the two-metre rule?
To go back to work?
To go back to school?
Are you ready?
Does the tube look attractive?
Is it time to be
Economically active?

Are you ready?

What’s Going to Happen When the Clapping Stops?

You can talk about a target that turned into a boast
You can talk about a test kit that’s still in the post
You can talk about them not controlling the disease
You can talk about them not controlling the economy

You can talk about the hairdressers, talk about the shops
But has anybody thought about
Is anybody talking about
What’s going to happen when the clapping stops?

You can talk about flattening or fattening the curve
You can talk about typically medical reserve
You can talk about passing at least the first peak
You can talk about avoiding media critique

You can talk about the hairdressers, talk about the shops
But has anybody thought about
Is anybody talking about
What’s going to happen when the clapping stops?

You can talk about maybe easing the lockdown
You can talk about the circus that was missing its clown
You can talk about sending the kids back to school
You can talk about suspending the two-metre rule

You can talk about the hairdressers, talk about the shops
But has anybody thought about
Is anybody talking about
What’s going to happen when the clapping stops?

You can talk about your temperature getting on the tube
You can talk about your fellow passenger being true
You can talk about publishing an exit strategy
You can talk about doing it without a vaccine

You can talk about the hairdressers, talk about the shops
But has anybody thought about
Is anybody talking about
What’s going to happen when the clapping stops?

Rachel on the Radio

You’re just afraid says Rachel Johnson
You’re still getting paid says Rachel Johnson
The risks are low says Rachel Johnson
You’re enjoying furlough says Rachel Johnson

Spaffer’s sister on the radio
She’s proper havin’ a go
Waging class war from afar
It’s a bloody high bar
But I’d rather listen to Farage

My daddy’s brave says Rachel Johnson
You should earn your wage says Rachel Johnson
Yes, I know your mate’s dead says Rachel Johnson
But you must look ahead says Rachel Johnson

Spaffer’s sister on the radio
She’s proper havin’ a go
Waging class war from afar
It’s a bloody high bar
But I’d rather listen to Farage

Would you wear a mask asks Rachel Johnson
Just thought I’d ask says Rachel Johnson

Don’t you know who my brother is
Don’t you know who my brother is
Don’t you know who my brother is

Spaffer’s sister on the radio
She’s proper havin’ a go
Waging class war from afar
It’s a bloody high bar
But I’d rather listen to Farage

And that’s bloody saying something

Spaffer Fixes Bayonets

Spaffer and Allegra were bright young things
Oxford’s future queens and kings
It wasn’t long ‘til they exchanged rings
But while he was seein’ her
Along came Marina
And Spaffer fixed his bayonet and went over the top

Marina gave him daughters, Marina gave him sons
Lara and Milo were the first ones
Marina must’ve thought that she was the one
But he ain’t that kinda fella
Along came Petronella
And Spaffer fixed his bayonet and went over the top

Marina threw him out but soon had him back
Spaffer must’ve thought it one helluva craic
She’d have more to fend off than a single attack
Because actually
Along came Anna Fazackerly
And Spaffer fixed his bayonet and went over the top

Two more with Marina, Cassie and Theodore
For those keeping count, that makes four
But Spaffer’s lift won’t stay on the ground floor
Soon, along came Helen
And he refixed his weapon
Spaffer fixed his bayonet and went over the top

Helen was the latest focus of his seduction
But when Stephanie was born he tried to seek an injuction
He didn’t want the public aware of their production
And Marina was yet to discover
An as yet unnamed lover
As Spaffer fixed his bayonet and went over the top

‘Cos Spaffer weren’t about to take a break from play
Although rumours of another child remain vague
A subject on which he has little to say
But while he’s still married
Its time to introduce Carrie
And Spaffer fixed his bayonet and went over the top

Now Spaffer’s hoping things with the kids are reconciled
As Carrie is the mother of his latest child
Thinking this must be the end of his days being wild
But the question on everyone’s minds
How long ‘til the next time
That Spaffer fixes bayonets and goes over the top
Spaffer fixes bayonets and goes over the top
Spaffer fixes bayonets and goes over the top
Spaffer just can’t stop

Baby Boris is Born

In an imaginary pub, open during lockdown.

“I had no idea she was that pregnant, to be honest.”

“No?”

“No. Well I thought, what with him nearly dying and rising again at Easter, that Baby Boris would be putting in an appearance at Christmas.”

“Christmas! You’re a one! She’d hardly be pregnant at all if she wasn’t due until Christmas.”

“Ah, I guess so, just me being poetic. But anyway, what are they going to call her now?”

“It’s a baby boy!”

“No, not the baby, her, what’s her name, Carrie.”

“What do you mean, what are we going to call Carrie?”

“Well she’s always been Pregnant Girlfriend Carrie or Pregnant Fiancée Carrie, she’s going to need a new nickname now. Baby Mother Carrie, maybe.”

“Don’t be so daft, she doesn’t need giving a nickname.”

“Not by you maybe, but the press will. She’ll be defined by her relationship to himself, what with him being the prime minister and everything.”

“Oh.”

“Think about it. It happens all the time. Tell you what, I’ll list all the women owners of the mainstream British media.”

“Go on then.”

“I just did. Want me to do it again?”

“Oh. I see. I think.”

“Anyway, bless the child being born a boy. If she was a girl the papers would definitely have christened her Corona.”

“Ah, yeah. Or maybe Covidia, that sounds posher.”

“Poor bastard’s going to end up christened Boris Winston Brexit Johnson isn’t he?”

“Yeah, probably.”

“Same again?”

Daily Press Briefing, 28th April 2020 (Matt Hancock)

Amanda from Hull asked a really good question.
She didn’t get an answer to it.
Sadie was told thanks for her question
And she’s just going to have to stick with it.
It’s working well, these questions from the public.

And back to the press.

Hugh Pym wants to know about PPE:
Thank you Hugh, it’s incredibly important to me.
We’re moving heaven and earth
To be more effective,
Your assessment isn’t fair and objective.
PPE availability’s confined
To the agreed guidelines.
There’s a global shortage too.
Thanks Hugh.

Paul Brand, can’t hear your audio.
Here he is: The crisis in the care sector? Have a heart!
Of course, they’ve been a priority from the start
But please
They’re the most vulnerable to the disease
We’ve strengthened the rules on infection control (eventually)
And made testing available (eventually)
We’re now publishing the daily data (eventually)
My principle is to be transparent
But the deaths are going up daily!
They’re a top priority.
Here’s an expert.

Nick Martin from Sky:
Care home deaths
Are at 23% of hospital deaths.
Not saying that this is normal,
The number of deaths in care homes about one sixth in total.
Its an absolute focus in broad context.
Make of that what you will.

Ben Kentish.

No wait a follow up: You didn’t do your best.
You knew this was a high-risk area
But no PPE or tests.
And deaths in care homes seemed to take you by surprise.
I think you should apologise.
I know you care a lot about this
But you’re being unreasonable.
We always knew about care homes
But getting the data was unfeasible.
They’ve been in the front of my mind from the start,
The age profile sets them apart,
People are more frail and more at risk so we’re discerning.
Its been a huge challenge but we’re constantly learning.
So, Nick Martin from Sky,
In this session,
I dispute your question
Here’s an expert.

Ben Kentish:
You’re following the science
But why no facemasks in public?
Should there be some compliance?
And should we be
Disinfecting deliveries?
Our position hasn’t changed
Because facemasks are weak science.
Handwashing is strong science
And easily arranged.
Here’s an expert.

Dominic Yeatman:
Why didn’t ministers
Tell care homes to ban visitors
At the same time as the hospitals
When there’s no difference in risk at all?
Collection of data is difficult
In ten thousand different organisations.
It was clinical advice
Because care homes have different expectations.

James Caven, Daily Star:
No sunbathing, but B&Q had a long queue.
What can you do and what can you not do?
And ventilator production scaled back;
Is there still a lack?
For clarity: Follow the rules, stay at home, protect the NHS.
Spare ventilators is good news, I suggest.
We’ll sell them to another country with high COVID incidence
And pay tribute to the ventilator challenge participants.

Chris Lloyd, Northern Echo:
There’s an uptick in the regions, definitely.
So, will you lift the lockdown together or separately?
And how will your help be applicable regionally?
I pay tribute to people of the north east for staying at home,
They’re very gregarious and don’t like being alone.
Economically,
Levelling up’s a top priority.
North east councils have money allocated
For fifty thousand businesses to be compensated.
Here’s an expert (on the shape of the curve).

Follow up question:
Will there be different times for easing?
We’re looking at it
But I don’t want to be teasing
Or give you false hope.
Because It’s not just the level, it’s the slope.
There could be a second peak wherever
So, we’ll do it together.

Adam Vaughan, New Scientist:
How many contact tracers have you got?
And how long until you’ve got the whole lot?
And as well as that.
What incentives are there to download the app?
Well as many as possible, as soon as possible.
That’s Not numerical, hypothetical or medical
I don’t know how many, and that’s crap
But they need to be in place in time for the app.
But never mind our procrastination,
We’ll tie downloading the app to the rules on isolation.

Well, it was great to see the New Scientist.
Your questions were terrific
And, um, scientific.
 
See you soon

Sixty Thousand Pounds

Ever wondered about the price of a human life?
Well, Hancock’s finally figured out
How many workers have died
So, if what killed you was a lack of gloves and gowns
You’re worth sixty thousand pounds

Ever wondered about the price of a human life?
Well, if you’re an economist
You should perhaps try
And if you’re killed at work by a government slow to lock down
You’re worth sixty thousand pounds

Ever wondered about the price of a human life?
Well, it’s this evening’s
Press briefing headline
So, if the government fatally let you down
You’re worth sixty thousand pounds