Month: May 2020

Too Little, or Just Not Enough

She just wants to know if we’re over the worst
She doesn’t really know what it means to be alert
She doesn’t understand why business comes first
And when it comes to the government’s bluff
It’s either too little, or just not enough

He was reading a story about a company
Whose sole director is the Health Secretary
Whose sole responsibility is PPE
But when it comes to the government’s bluff
It’s either too little, or just not enough

She just wants to know if it’s safe to go to work
She doesn’t really know what it means to be alert
How can you tell if there’s a virus being dispersed?
When it comes to the government’s bluff
It’s either too little, or just not enough

He was reading a story about track and trace
About a phone app that folk were failing to embrace
That didn’t work on older phones in any case
And when it comes to the government’s bluff
It’s either too little, or just not enough

She just wants to know if it’s safe to go out
The media are calling her a lazy layabout
But Stay Alert just fills her full of doubt
‘Cos when it comes to the government’s bluff
It’s either too little, or just not enough

They sat up on Sunday to watch the TV
Looking for comfort from the man on the screen
But now they’re just more scared than they’ve ever been
‘Cos when it came to the government’s bluff
It was too little, and just not enough

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A New Slogan

Here’s a new slogan
Worse than the last one
From the Cummings Hit Factory
Here’s a miss

Stay alert, by staying at home
But if you can’t work from home
You should stay alert by going to work
But who will look after the kids?

On staying alert by going to work
There’s little advice
Trust your boss to be nice
And not one that takes the piss

On staying alert while travelling to work
Stay alert by not taking the bus to get there
Stay alert by not taking the train to get there
Stay alert by walking or cycling there
Or taking your car and polluting the air
It’s a wonderful strategy, this

A new slogan which without regrets
No longer protects the NHS
Things must be alright, I guess
Or they’re really quite remiss

A new slogan, for England alone
The Scots still get to stay at home
The Welsh and Irish too
Westminster it seems, dismissed

A new slogan, launched with a virus-o-meter
A kind of R-value barometer
Whose needle is quivering permanently
Reflecting government uncertainty
Something’s clearly amiss

So, here’s a new slogan
Worse than the last one
From the Cummings Hit Factory
Here’s a miss

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This is England

A dose of the Queen or Dame Vera never disappoints
And Johnson on the telly trying to earn Churchill points
With the government and the media to guide us
We can have a day off from fighting the virus

This is England
Where every man’s castle is his home
This is England
And we’ll fight the virus on our own

You must remember when we beat Europe at the war
You must remember the freedoms that we were fighting for
The Italians have the highest European death toll
But we ain’t under EU control

This is England
Where every man’s castle is his home
This is England
And we’ll fight the virus on our own

China gave us warning, but we don’t care
The WHO gave us warning but we don’t care
The Spanish gave us warning but we don’t care
The Italians gave us warning but we don’t care

This is England
Where every man’s castle is his home
This is England
And we’ll fight the virus on our own

Two years ago we celebrated 70 years of the NHS
And where was your bunting, your trestle tables, cucumber sandwiches and the rest?

This is England
Where every man’s castle is his home
This is England
And we’ll fight the virus on our own

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VE Day

She remembers her grandfather’s tales
Of wartime Walthamstow
The siren sound and the queue for the chip shop
That refused to go
A time of national pulling together
The rule-breakers airbrushed from history
And she wonders in 75 years’ time
If this is how they’ll tell her story

He’s got little truck with flags and bunting
Wants his workers’ holiday back
For him it’s just another too cynical
Tory government attack
A time of national coming together
Incompetent donkeys at the helm
And he wonders in 75 years’ time
What kind of stories are they going to tell?

She says can’t you just do it for the kids
A little party we’ll have a nice time
The Europe-wide defeat of fascism
Doesn’t that at least chime?
A time of national coming together
Suffer a little red, white and blue
And I wonder in 75 years’ time
If anyone will remember us too

OK, you’ve got a point I guess
We’ll party for the partisans and the rest
Just don’t expect me to acquiesce
To the Tories setting fireworks for the NHS
And I don’t expect there to be a finale
Of Vera Lynn singing The Internationale
A time of national coming together
I’ll suffer a little red, white and blue
And I wonder in 75 years’ times
If anyone will remember us two

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Hancock’s NHS

The people Hancock calls “Our NHS”
Are a litany of corporate interests.
For example, here’s a sample:
Deloitte, KPMG, Serco,
Palantir, Mitie, Sodhexo;
Providing PPE, testing, track and trace.
More wrong ‘uns than on Michael Gove’s bookcase.
So, heavy is the heart that understands
That we really are not safe in his hands.

gove books

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Professor Lockdown (A Love Story of Sorts)

Professor Lockdown loved Antonia Staats
Isolation could break their hearts
At home her husband might have had the virus
But she said neither Thames nor disease will divide us

It was wrong and they knew it
There’s no way to misconstrue it
They thought they could get through it
But the press knew too
They didn’t run the story
‘Til they needed a furore
To steal headline glory
From the numbers breaking through

Professor Lockdown loved Antonia Staats
On one day in April and one in March
Is his expert opinion that the strategy’s wrong?
We’ll never know now that his job in SAGE has gone

It was wrong and they knew it
There’s no way to misconstrue it
They thought they could get through it
But the press knew too
They didn’t run the story
‘Til they needed a furore
To steal headline glory
From the numbers breaking through

Professor Lockdown loved Antonia Staats
Doomed lover victims of the press dark arts
A million crimes that the expert might commit
But there’s no way we’ll ever forgive a hypocrite

It was wrong and they knew it
There’s no way to misconstrue it
They thought they could get through it
But the press knew too
They didn’t run the story
‘Til they needed a furore
To steal headline glory
From the numbers breaking through

Professor Lockdown loved Antonia Staats
Epidemiology meets Avaaz
Now no one’s gonna want to be in her shoes
And his expert counsel’s now yesterday’s news

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The Sickest Man in Europe

The sickest man in Europe
Won two world wars and one world cup
The sickest man in Europe
Didn’t want to mess the economy up
The sickest man in Europe’s
Looking forward to VE day
The sickest man in Europe’s
Hearing how many died today

The sickest man in Europe
Is following the science
Thinks it’s untainted
By political bias
The sickest man in Europe
Is following the science
Loves respect
and minute’s silence

The sickest man in Europe’s
Hearing how many died today
The sickest man in Europe’s
Looking forward to VE day

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Are You Ready?

Are you ready?

Nigel says are you ready?
His will is firm
But his logic’s unsteady
But if your saddle’s sweaty
Or your business finance messy

Nigel reckons you’re ready

Richard says are you ready?
Him and Judy
Want to go steady
But she’s locked down already
He thinks it’s petty
He thinks she’s ready

To end the lockdown

There ain’t no vaccine
No antibody test
We ain’t even started track and trace yet
Matt hit his target
But only for a day
By the first of May
It had fallen away

Are you ready?

Are you ready?
To break the two-metre rule?
To go back to work?
To go back to school?
Are you ready?
Does the tube look attractive?
Is it time to be
Economically active?

Are you ready?

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What’s Going to Happen When the Clapping Stops?

You can talk about a target that turned into a boast
You can talk about a test kit that’s still in the post
You can talk about them not controlling the disease
You can talk about them not controlling the economy

You can talk about the hairdressers, talk about the shops
But has anybody thought about
Is anybody talking about
What’s going to happen when the clapping stops?

You can talk about flattening or fattening the curve
You can talk about typically medical reserve
You can talk about passing at least the first peak
You can talk about avoiding media critique

You can talk about the hairdressers, talk about the shops
But has anybody thought about
Is anybody talking about
What’s going to happen when the clapping stops?

You can talk about maybe easing the lockdown
You can talk about the circus that was missing its clown
You can talk about sending the kids back to school
You can talk about suspending the two-metre rule

You can talk about the hairdressers, talk about the shops
But has anybody thought about
Is anybody talking about
What’s going to happen when the clapping stops?

You can talk about your temperature getting on the tube
You can talk about your fellow passenger being true
You can talk about publishing an exit strategy
You can talk about doing it without a vaccine

You can talk about the hairdressers, talk about the shops
But has anybody thought about
Is anybody talking about
What’s going to happen when the clapping stops?

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