He’s dog-whistling up the news
The favourite sport of the populist columnist
From The Currant Bun to The News of the Screws
The chance to scapegoat’s rarely missed
So, ring the show, grass up your neighbours
Hold fast the fruits of your own labours
Pull up the ladder, lock up your daughters
Here come Ferrari’s Furlough Fraudsters
Tag: writing
Untitled (7th September 2020)
If you want one of our world-beating tests
Then mate, you’d better have access to a car
While Hancock’s still spouting they’re the best
I’ll tell ya, you’re gonna have to travel far
My mate in north London got Leicester
A fella in Manchester got Dundee
At least my mate went to his (200-mile round trip)
Manchester’s waiting for a better slot to be released
You could, of course, go postal
Wait for the swab kit to hit your mat
There’s limited numbers of those, mind you
So, y’know, good luck with that
The expert said that he’s alarmed
3000 cases and the graph’s contour
The health secretary remained calm
Says work and school is COVID secure (yeah, right)
A busy pub with a Perspex screen
The floor stickers wearing thin (and pretty much ignored)
You can’t mask up when you eat and drink
What’s gonna happen d’you think?
A Man With a Fascist Flag
The anti-mask brigade
Were far too easily swayed
By conspiracy theorists
And it’s not real it’s
Just Government lies
And surprise, surprise
A man with a fascist flag
The anti-mask brigade
In Trafalgar Square today
Chanting the virus is a hoax
And laughing at David Icke’s jokes
Were joined by QAnon memes
And alt-right, far right themes
And a man with a fascist flag
The flag that we tore down at Cable Street
That we fought from ’39 to ’45 to defeat
From the International Brigades
We’ll fight to the present day
When we see a man with a fascist flag
The anti-mask brigade
See their freedom ebbing away
Freedom to catch the virus
Freedom to pass it to us
Freedom to believe a lie
Freedom to turn a blind eye
To the man with the fascist flag
The flag that we tore down at Cable Street
That we fought from ’39 to ’45 to defeat
From the International Brigades
We’ll fight to the present day
When we see a man with a fascist flag
The anti-mask brigade
Took Trafalgar Square today
Sanity over madness they spew
While the converse appears true
Joined by anti-Semitic conspiracies
And bad information about the disease
And a man with a fascist flag
The flag that we tore down at Cable Street
That we fought from ’39 to ’45 to defeat
From the International Brigades
We’ll fight to the present day
When we see a man with a fascist flag
They Is
They is.
They is, the talking point.
They is, the grammatical counterpoint.
They is finding a voice for themself
In a language of such wealth
Of turn of phrase, of evocation
Of the tapestry of an evolving nation.
So it’s sad when some would influence
Opinion of the form’s mellifluence
While they is struggling to identify
The difference between living and getting by
Because surely everybody knows
That language lives, adapts and grows.
It’s less transphobic, admittedly
Than mere linguistic pendantry
But if for you they is a step too far
Then they is still comfortable with they are.
Local Lockdowns, Part One
Go back to your northern powerhouse homes
Unless you are going to the pub, which you should visit alone,
Or work, which you must not shirk.
No visiting family or friends
Unless, we guess, you work with them
But we say again:
No socialising in houses or gardens
No if’s or but’s or beg your pardon’s,
But if you’re one of the shielding folk
Your rights to help have been revoked
And you should come out, your race is run,
Just try not to come into contact with anyone.
Because Hancock, a politician
At home with confusion and contradiction
Accuses you of a lack of compliance
With his social distancing guidance
And has identified some high-risk zones
So go back to your northern powerhouse homes.
(Living Life on the Lookout for A) Second Wave
I hear they’re talking about a second wave, said Jason
We haven’t really got the first one out of the way
It’s a good job we didn’t take that trip to Spain
I couldn’t afford a fortnight with no pay
And they’re increasing self-isolation to ten days
Isn’t a meal out pretty safe? said Joanna
A pub garden if we all behave?
Do you think that we just need to be a little brave?
You can’t live your life looking out for a second wave
But Jason ain’t going to the pub today
Jason’s still scrutinising what they say
Jason is certain that it’s on its way
He’s living life on the lookout for a second wave
I spoke to my brother the other day, said Jason
They couldn’t afford for work to be locked down again
They’ve agreed that for all of them it’s for the best
That if they get poorly, they won’t get a test
They don’t want to hear what a contact tracer might say
The kids need their holidays, said Joanna
Their friends are all going their separate ways
Do you think that we just need to be a little brave?
You can’t live your life looking out for a second wave
But Jason ain’t going to the pub today
Jason’s still scrutinising what they say
Jason is certain it’s on its way
He’s living life on the lookout for a second wave
The most excess deaths in Europe, said Jason
You’ve gotta listen to what I’ve gotta say
It’s business they care for that’s 100% the case
And they need you to start feeling safe
But they ain’t got nothing in place
The local lockdowns are far away, said Joanna
We could go out before we have to do that all again
Do you think that we just need to be a little brave?
You can’t live your life looking out for a second wave
But Jason ain’t going to the pub today
Jason’s still scrutinising what they say
Jason is certain it’s on its way
He’s living life on the lookout for a second wave
Chingford to Oxford Circus (Via Walthamstow Central)
We’re on the 07:14.
Doing alright, it’s fairly quiet
And mask wearing’s mostly observed
Although the fella in the coffee kiosk is wearing his on his chin
While speaking to a single customer
Who’s going to have a dilemma when he gets on the train, having been served.
One man is putting his on as he gets on board,
Leaving it until the last minute to be suitably attired.
You suspect that he doesn’t want to wear it a moment longer than required.
The next stop is Walthamstow Central and onto the Victoria Line.
The man opposite and across one has got a black mask on which looks fine
But his nose is poking out, presumably stopping his glasses steaming up while he does the crossword,
Taking his time between clues, one of which is his bag for life which seems to be living up to its name.
A quick glance down the carriage reveals two more noses on display.
On the seat next to me is the bag that belongs to the woman sat on the next seat but one
From which she produces a standard issue blue non-surgical facemask, you know the one,
Which she hooks over her ears covering her nose and mouth in one go
Then flaps out the sides to try to get the air to flow
Then pulls it down past her nose
Then down past her chin.
Now mouth and nose comfortably exposed
She relaxes and shuts her eyes,
Civic duty done and undone in one two-minute pantomime.
The gaze of the woman two seats further down remains neutral,
Her mask is worn impeccably and you know she’s seen it all and you can sense her disapproval.
Gap Year Kid opposite is wearing his properly too,
His grubby surf chic suggesting that his bulging rucksack
Contains laundry going back a week or maybe two,
Whereas Snood (neck tube?) Guy’s face covering has slipped past his nose unchecked
And by the time he takes the seat vacated by Gap Year Kid
It’s completely round his neck.
He evades my stare by deploying his mobile phone.
He’s not alone,
Cool Fella in the straight brim baseball cap is another nose exposer,
Soon to be a mouth and noser.
If he thinks the risks aren’t worthy
Why does he reposition from the standing seat at the end of the carriage
To the pole in the middle by the double doors
As the train fills up on its southbound journey?
Although it’s nowhere near as busy as a pre-lockdown ride would have been.
The return trip will include more who comply, part comply, or let the rules simply pass them by
And a man who will be determined to be the first off the Chingford train
Although there seems little for him to gain
(He’ll be first to the hand sanitiser too)
But then he won’t want to touch the door control button and so
Will make an awkward attempt with the tip of his elbow.
But the next stop is Oxford Circus
And we’ve got business above ground.
Cassie Sunshine (Is Wearing a G-String on Her Face)
They gathered in their hundreds in sunny Hyde Park
Their patriotic faces free to feel the breeze
One man had cut the middle out of his mask
They’re here to Keep Britain Free
They’re gathered here to protest about the mask
They don’t like being told, would prefer to be asked
Because it’s an impingement on their civil liberty
That’s no way to Keep Britain Free
Cassie Sunshine is wearing a g-string on her face
Cassie Sunshine is wearing a g-string on her face
Her protest banner has been replaced
By sexy undercrackers made out of black lace
And Cassie Sunshine is wearing a g-string on her face
If the government thought it was right, she asks
Then that’s what they should’ve said from the start
There’s important scientists saying there’s no need
It’s more important to Keep Britain Free
Cassie Sunshine is wearing a g-string on her face
Cassie Sunshine is wearing a g-string on her face
Her protest banner has been replaced
By sexy undercrackers made out of black lace
And Cassie Sunshine is wearing a g-string on her face
Face nappies, muzzles, she won’t take part
Cassie Sunshine won’t wear a mask
Cassie Sunshine wants to Keep Britain Free
Thankfully Cassie’s in a minority
Cassie Sunshine is wearing a g-string on her face
Cassie Sunshine is wearing a g-string on her face
Her protest banner has been replaced
By sexy undercrackers made out of black lace
And Cassie Sunshine is wearing a g-string on her face
And Cassie Sunshine is wearing a g-string on her face
Derek Won’t Wear a Mask
“It’s unconstitutional” Derek proclaims
With absolute authority.
“It’s an attack on my civil liberties,
This isn’t why the majority
Voted for Boris, it’s an outrage,
It’s halfway to wearing a burqa.
I’m not putting my face in a fabric cage
Like a nurse or a care home worker.
What are you, scared? Of a little flu?
Your argument’s full of if’s and but’s.
It ain’t much longer than a week or two
Since Johnson told you to have the guts
To get back to normal, and normal it ain’t
To be ordered to cover your face
And that the basis of my complaint:
We never needed ‘em in the first place.
It’s not supported by the science, you’re wrong
It’s a monstrous imposition
And I’ll tell you what, it won’t be long
Until they’re back with another condition,
‘Cos it’s an exercise in mind control
Manipulating the sheeple
With a very simple goal:
To sleepwalk you into the unspeakable.
It’s a free country and I should be free
To allow my patriotic face to be seen.
We didn’t win two world wars
And one world cup……
And anyway, it’s a bit uncomfortable
And it makes my glasses steam up”.
Should I Be Wearing a Mask? (July)
Should I be wearing a mask?
We asked
In March
And April, May and June
Are we immune?
So why in July
Are we told of course
It’s a matter we intend to enforce
You should wear a mask when you sally forth
But not until the 24th