A Million Pounds a Day

How would you spend a million pounds a day?
Buy two small flats in Walthamstow,
Or a big one, round Hackney way?
You could give up work and visit Marseilles,
Or park a new Ferrari, on your new driveway.
If you sliced your drive, you could buy the fairway,
Or put on a play, on Broadway.
You could spend a million pounds on Monday,
And have a million more again on Tuesday.
You could hire Elton John to play
Or Adele, or even Beyoncé
For three performances a day.
You could buy a small painting by Monet
Or quite a few by Bernard Buffet.
You could wear a new pair of trainers every day,
Then give ‘em away.
And never mind coffee, you could buy the café.

But if you find yourself round Downing Street way,
You’ll send your million pounds a day
Your mate Dido Harding’s way
Who gives it all to Deloitte, they say
For test and trace that even today
Is still not okay.

Super Spreader Saturday

Spaffer fired the starting pistol
On Super Spreader Saturday
Get out and spend your money folks
The pubs are opening today
We don’t know what the R-rate is
But we’ll tell you later
Cos our mates at Deloitte
Own all the data

The landlord with bunting his pub festoons
And Super Spreader Saturday balloons
For the brave, the reckless, the immunes
So Derek is heading off to ‘Spoons

Spaffer cried schools out for summer
On Super Spreader Saturday
A haircut, a haircut, my kingdom for a haircut
The barbershop is open today
We don’t know what the R-rate is
But we’ll let the pub open its door
‘Cos we don’t know what the rules are either
Or even what the rules are for

The landlord with Perspex his pub festoons
And Super Saturday disinfectant fumes
For the illusion that normality resumes
And Derek is heading off to ‘Spoons

If you think they’re stupid, look what the polls now say
About the likelihood of a second wave
The numbers don’t lie and they’ll make you shudder
We’re now more likely to blame each other

The landlord with Perspex his pub festoons
And Super Saturday disinfectant fumes
For the illusion that normality resumes
And Derek is heading off to ‘Spoons