Tag: songwriting

If We Had Won The War

Oh, how different, if we had won the war!
There’d be no Nazis in The Whitehouse, that’s for sure
We’d all have homes for heroes, there’d be no Jan 6 zeroes
There’d be refuge for the needy and the poor
If we had won the war!

Oh, how different, if we had won the war!
We’d want for nowt, and never need for more
One nation under God
Even if you think that’s odd
And everybody welcome at our shore
If we had won the war!

If we had won the war, there’d be no Nazis at our door
No Nazis in Reform UK or even down that UKIP way
If we had won the war, there’d be no Nazis at our door
No Nazis in The Whitehouse, that’s for sure
If we had won the war

Oh, how different, if we had won the war!
Working would never be a chore
We’d all know fair is fair
And billionaires would pay their share
There’d be no Nazis in The Whitehouse, that’s for sure
If we had won the war!

If we had won the war, there’d be no Nazis at our door
No Nazis in Reform UK or even down that UKIP way
If we had won the war, there’d be no Nazis at our door
No Nazis in The Whitehouse, that’s for sure
If we had won the war

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47

47 goes to get it right
47 goes and no end in sight
47 goes to get it right
They’re gonna need the Fentanyl to get ‘em through the night

It’s Trump-tastic, policy elastic
What he said yesterday
Ain’t what he’s gonna say today
Like what’s today’s favourite word?
What’s today’s favourite steaming turd?
It’s tariffs, tariff-tastic
Tariffs on cheap Chinese plastic
China, nowhere finer
For your cheap Chinese plastic MAGA crap
Your cheap Chinese plastic MAGA hat
Meanwhile here’s a pile for the EU
Meanwhile here’s a pile for the UK too

47 goes to get it right
47 goes and no end in sight
47 goes to get it right
They’re gonna need the Fentanyl to get ‘em through the night

Not withstanding
Trump’s grandstanding
Trump’s expanding the MAGA empire
Trump’s expanding the MAGA desire
While there’s still no water
For the L.A. fire
California burns
While The President piddles
California burns
While The President tiddles
He won’t fill a bucket, he won’t fill a pail
But he’ll let the insurrectionists out of jail

47 goes to get it right
47 goes and no end in sight
47 goes to get it right
They’re gonna need the Fentanyl to get ‘em through the night

Unpatriotic patriots, keepers of the oath
Gimme a conspiracy, hell, give me both
A tin foil hat and an M-16
A beer belly, and dirty magazine
Yeah, gimme a conspiracy, hell, give me both
The KKK and the keepers of the oath
Mr. President’s own private militia
While a wide-brimmed hat won’t even let him kiss her
He’s eyeing up Canada and Panama
Where he says their economic interests are
He’s eyeing up Mexico and Greenland too
Like a spray-tanned Roman emperor might do

47 goes to get it right
47 goes and no end in sight
47 goes to get it right
They’re gonna need the Fentanyl to get ‘em through the night

It’s Trump-tastic, bombastic
Authoritarian, bordering barbarian
Wants to help Benny level Palestine
A dictator mate who ain’t benign
It’s Trump-tastic, it ain’t cute
His mates chucking up a Nazi salute
If you were looking for the fascists, my dear
Look no further, the fascists are here

47 goes to get it right
47 goes and no end in sight
47 goes to get it right
They’re gonna need the Fentanyl to get ‘em through the night
47 goes to get it right
47 goes and no end in sight
47 goes to get it right
They’re gonna need the Fentanyl to get ‘em through the night

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Growth

She blames it on the bats
She blames it on the newts
She blames it on the NIMBYs
And their neighbourhood disputes

She blames it on the folk
Who don’t want her to succeed
She blames it on the growth
Of a protected species

She blames it on the planners
And people in The South
She says we look like lunatics
The things we care about

She wants growth
Growth
Growth
Economic growth

She wants growth
Growth
Growth
Economic growth

She wants growth
Economic growth
When did that ever
Make your life get any better

She wants growth
Economic growth
When did that ever
Make your life get any better

She says be more like Donald
Who says everything is great
She says she would be honoured
If he would be her mate

She blames it on the newts
She blames it on the bats
He blames it on the immigrants
Who eat dogs and cats

She wants growth
Growth
Growth
Economic growth

She wants growth
Growth
Growth
Economic growth

She wants growth
Economic growth
When did that ever
Make your life get any better

She wants growth
Economic growth
When did that ever
Make your life get any better

She wants growth
She needs GDP
Without it she’ll have to tax
The super-wealthy

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The Devil

I heard The Devil speaking in a pub by the sea
I heard The devil speaking on the BBC
I heard The Devil speaking every day on Fox News
I heard The Devil say he’s got a long list of things to do
(So hold fast)

I saw The Devil sliding into the house
I saw The Devil striding into the house
I heard The Devil speaking, he was loud and proud
I saw The Devil speaking, he drew a helluva crowd
(So hold fast)

The greatest trick he Devil ever pulled
The greatest trick that had us all fooled
The greatest trick said we don’t believe
And we all blamed each other for his devilry
(So hold fast)

I saw a queue of rich men, all on bended knee
I saw a queue of rich men, from Africa to NYC
There to pledge allegiance, hey The Devil and me
There to pledge allegiance, what can The Devil do for me?
(Better hold fast)

I heard The Devil play guitar from Nashville Tennessee
I heard The Devil launching his own currency
I heard that there’s abuse for which the Devil is liable
I heard The Devil publishes his own version of the Bible
(So hold fast)

The greatest trick…

I heard The Devil saying all hell will break loose
Now that The Devil is free from the calaboose
I heard The Devil saying “fight, fight, fight”
I heard The Devil saying that mortals shouldn’t have rights
(So hold fast)

The greatest trick…

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President I Told You So

President I Told You So
With Cali-forn-i-a aglow
When fire hydrants didn’t flow
He blamed it on the fish

President I Told You So
A climate change denier, so
With Califor-ni-ay aglow
Really took the piss

I told you so
I told you so
President I Told You So
Is putting on a show

President I Told You So
Said Greenland is the place to go
I’ve got an army, don’t you know
The Dane’s I’ll simply overthrow

And Panama, if you please
It’s being run by the Chinese
So, on your knees, cough up the keys
To the good ol’ US of….oh…..

Hail to the chief
Armed to the teeth
He’s got a beef
With the Chinese, the Mexicans
The Danes and all the rest of ‘em

Hail to the chief
Beyond belief
He’ll smack you with the tariffs
And he’ll smack you in the teeth

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Burn, Baby, Burn

Voices from a dying planet
The future featured on TV
In a world where only rich the folk have it
Fire’s an inevitability

And it’s getting close to the Hollywood sign
While vox pops on the evening news
Say there’s plenty in the ocean
Can’t they just jump in their pools

The President Elect
The President Elect – get this
The President Elect
He’s blaming the fish

Burn, baby, burn
An unwillingness to learn
Burn, baby, burn
An unwillingness to turn

Burn, baby, burn
Burn, baby, burn
Burn, baby, burn

A blazing morning of hope, James said
The next day it’s all gone
James is blaming the liberals
James won’t listen to this song

Drill, baby, drill
Vote for who you will
Burn, baby, burn
An unwillingness to learn

Burn, baby, burn
Burn, baby, burn
Burn, baby, burn

While they’re pulling overnighters
Elon blames the firefighters
Who have said for months
It could all catch fire at once

And it turns out that water
Won’t often flow uphill
It turns out The Wonderful Company
Makes the bitterest pill

It turns out that water
Ain’t in plentiful supply
You might ignore the changes
But the climate’s mighty dry

Burn, baby, burn
An unwillingness to learn
Burn, baby, burn
An unwillingness to turn

Burn, baby, burn
Burn, baby, burn
Burn, baby, burn

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Hold Fast

She pulls her coat tight against the wind and the rain
Eyes fixed fast on the puddles and the path
Her footsteps the rhythm of the thoughts in her head
What just happened, they said

An uprising in the neighbourhood
Things ain’t like they used to be
It ain’t alright round here no more
There’s some folk should be shown the door

It’s gonna be a rough ride
Some boats will not survive the rising of the tide
But they shall not pass
So, hold fast
Hold fast

She pulls her coat tight, the coming of the storm
Seems inevitable now, since nothing’s changed
The splashing of her footsteps, her raindrop tears
What just happened, why here

An uprising in the neighbourhood
Things ain’t like they used to be
An imaginary village green
A billionaire on a TV screen

It’s gonna be a rough ride
Some boats will not survive the rising of the tide
But they shall not pass
So, hold fast
Hold fast

She pulls her coat tight, like some kinda shield
Could protect her from the coming of the night
Hands searching for her phone
You’ve gotta get wet if you’re gonna get home

An uprising in the neighbourhood
Dirty looks from the poppy parade
There’s never any spoken in the park
It’s no place to be after dark

It’s gonna be a rough ride
Some boats will not survive the rising of the tide
But they shall not pass
So, hold fast
Hold fast

She pulls her coat tight, looks up through the rain
A shaft of sunlight, a ray of hope
More footsteps, increasing in number
Just as she thought she was about to go under

An uprising in the neighbourhood
A voice at her side says, hold fast
A rainbow, standing, solidly cast
United, they shall not pass

It’s gonna be a rough ride
Some boats will not survive the rising of the tide
But they shall not pass
So, hold fast
Hold fast

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Billionaires

Let’s hear it for the billionaires
Let’s hear it for the B-I-L, L-I-O-N
Let’s hear it for the billionaires
Let’s hear it for the planet’s wealthiest men
Let’s hear it for the billionaires
Without whom we’d all be better off
Let’s hear it for the billionaires
Let’s tell them to all fuck off

Elon went to school with an emerald in his pocket
Elon told the world he built his own space rocket
Now Donald is the president, Elon is the heir
‘Cos Elon is a billionaire

Let’s hear it…

Donald got elected and that made us sad
The most celebrated rapist the US ever had
But they’re dropping all the charges and saying fair’s fair
‘Cos Donald is a billionaire

Let’s hear it…

Nigel sucks up to the President’s men
‘Cos Nigel wishes he was one of them
A Mickey Mouse Mosley with Enoch flair
Who wants to be a billionaire

Let’s hear it…

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2024 in Thumbnails

This year saw a song about the floods (there’s going to be more of those, I’m sure), Greene King brewery exposed, Noah as a metaphor for Daily Mail-reading middle-England’s attitude to refugees, the unluckiest street in the UK, a love song based in a factory making weapons being used to destroy Gaza, two new additions to the Put Up Shut Up Britain collection, a song about loss, your actual five-a-day, another in the collection of St. George’s Day songs, another one about your diet, a Protest Family single, kicking out your kitchen fitters, a weather forecast for the east coast, yet another song inspired by Nick Ferrari on LBC, the follow-up to Pricks In Space, Hans Christian Anderson for the modern era, the first protest song to feature Rachel Reeves as Chancellor of the Exchequer, an attempt to expose election fraud by committing election fraud, mousetraps used to try to explain how global asset managers and index funds work, and a song that started life over a failed vegan breakfast in a Wetherspoons in Stourbridge on Remembrance Sunday.

We plan to release a new album next year. Which ones do you reckon will make the cut?

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Build a Better Mousetrap

Build a better mousetrap
Build it really nice
Build a better mousetrap
That don’t catch mice
‘Cause catching all the mice
Ain’t a thing we wanna do
We just wanna sell
Mousetraps to you

What you’ve gotta understand is
It ain’t about the mice
What you’ve gotta understand
Take my advice
You wanna sell a thing
That people need to buy again
So here is the trick
My friend

What you’ve gotta understand is
It’s all about the profit
The asset fund manager’s
Fee in their pocket
So if next door builds
A better mousetrap than you
He’s gonna invest
In their mousetrap too

What you’ve gotta understand
Is it doesn’t really matter
If you own a bit of everything
Your wallet gets fatter
And investors don’t care
If you really catch mice
So long as the punters
Are buying your device

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